A Good Man is Not That Hard to Find

Reposted from goodmenbook.org

My mother used to pressure me to settle down. “Get married,” she pestered. In spite of this being the modern world and all, it's still not as easy for a woman to get a husband as it is for a man to get a wife. And I don't mean finding the “right” spouse. I mean getting someone to say “I do” before witnesses. Let's face it, women, in general, want to get married before men do.

Granted, people overall take more precautions today before jumping over the broomstick than they did thirty or forty years ago. Just look at the median ages of first-time wedders. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, in 1971 (when I was born), the median ages of Americans marrying for the first time was twenty-three for men and twenty-one for women. Thirty years later--when Mom really started bugging me--the median ages were twenty-seven and twenty-five. I'm sure those ages would be even higher if not for the increasing number of women doing the proposing. Perhaps these women are tired of being kept up at night by their biological ticking.

A few years ago, my boyfriend of four years broke up with me. My thought was, “Cool. I'm glad I didn't have to do it.” Don't get me wrong. We had a great four years, and I was sad. But it was time to move on. He was and still is a good man. He just wasn't for me. You see, I think a lot like a guy; I’ve tested in the top percentiles in subjects men tend to do better in, such as mechanical comprehension. I enjoy working on my Honda CL360 and watching the Giants kick the Patriots’ asses. But my boyfriend watched football only when the Super Bowl was on--and only when the Steelers were playing. Baseball? Forget it. He wouldn’t even watch the World Series.

At age 36, the age my mother gave birth to me, I decided it was time to consider what she wanted. So I dated--a lot. I had a date almost every week, sometimes two or three in a week. I don't remember how I met most of those guys, never mind their names. After about six months of this, I started asking my dates, “Can I give you a suggestion?” Then I'd tell them what bugged me about going out with them. I did this as much to help them as to figure out exactly what I was looking for.

All these men were great guys. I saw something endearing in each one, even the guy who didn't want to hear my suggestion--definitely can't remember his name. But none of them lit my fire long enough to consider marriage. Relationship, yes. Marriage, no way.

Their grateful responses to my dating suggestions encouraged me to write a book that these great guys would want to read. I researched high and low for issues to write about. I Googled dozens of keywords and read articles six-links deep. In the process I came across a book by clinical psychologist Dr. Alex Avila, LoveTypes: Discover Your Romantic Style and Find Your Soul Mate.

In a nutshell, Dr. Avila says that each of us has one of 16 personality types based on the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) that is romantically compatible with another particular personality type. One out of every 100 American women has my personality type. Go figure.

Six out of every 100 American men have the personality type that perfectly matches mine. So that means that six of the last 100 men I dated were my type, right? Not. A man with this personality type marries earlier, and he is compatible with other types besides mine, the types belonging to seventeen out of 100 women. The math = not good for me.

After I learned about the MBTI, how relationships work made more sense to me. It was as though scales had fallen off my eyes. I could see why that good man I was with for four years never rang marriage bells to my ears.

To test Dr. Avila's theories, I decided to look for my perfect match. I found an abundance of my perfect match at my favorite hangout, the Soho Grand Hotel in New York, but all those men were married. Not so perfect, actually. Then I looked online.

I realized that it's possible to determine a guy’s MBTI type by examining his online profile. Once in a while, I'd find someone, but he either never responded, was much younger than me, or he was married. Yes, married and dating online. At this point, I just wanted know if Dr. Avila is right. So I wrote to a guy who was married but separated. He wrote back. Twelve emails and two phone calls later, we met. It was eighteen months after breaking up with the Good Man.

The doctor is right. And not only is my now-boyfriend my perfect match, he is also a good man. His story is another blog.

Responding to blog about a woman fixated on a date

I was reading a dating adviser's blog that addressed a poor woman's plight over a guy who hadn't called her in two weeks since their date. This was my comment:

The truth is, every guy has his reason for what he does or doesn’t do. That’s what makes us HUMAN. We are not robots. We do not come with programming. (Though we can become programmed. Ouch. Did i go there?)

For EVERY single woman out there, my advice is be independent. The fact that a woman can’t stop thinking about a guy she barely knows makes it a crush. When we’re independent, the fact that he hasn’t called again flicks the switch that tells us to let it go! But when we’re clingy, we have issues to fix, and it’s not wise to wait for someone else to fix them.

Women, go after your personal dreams. If your dream is to get married, then consider an arranged one, because men are generally not attracted to women who only care about getting married.

Take care of yourself first. Heal yourself. Put your energy into something productive. Help others. Volunteer. Fill your time with activities that can help the world, or do something you love doing and share it with people. Then you will know independence. Then you will attract a guy who’s right for you.

It bugs me that even after the book and movie, He's Just Not That Into You, women are still looking for the answer they want to hear. Not to say that I agree completely with the book's message, which was one simple thing-- i.e., the title. (The movie was different in that it told a story.) Not ALL men stop calling because they're not into a girl. However, the message should work well enough to help women take charge of their lives and not be enslaved by passing emotions. (Working on my second book to address such things. It's called Heeling Your Inner Bitch.)

If you take the time to think about the big picture-- i.e., life as a whole and the possibility of sharing it with a lifelong companion and possibly procreating-- finding the right match is important. Why would anyone spend more time with a date if he or she knew the date wasn't the right one? For friendship? Sure, why not. But not a good idea if it's not mutual or if sexual tension complicates that friendship. Some people need to learn to walk away from such relationships and move on.

Geez, I hate that I spent all the time responding. Well, I hope it helps at least.

The personality type least likely to stay monogamous

With the recent talk about Madonna and her divorce from director Guy Ritchie, I must comment on it.

Among the 16 Myers-Briggs personality types, the least likely personality to stay married is "ESFP" or Extraverted Sensory Feeling Perceiving, which is what Dr. Alex Avila calls "The Performer." That type is least likely to stay monogamous. It would not be surprising if Madonna were that personality type.

Of course, it's not impossible for The Performer to stay in a committed relationship. Moral standards help. So would partnering with someone who can relate to The Performer's tendency to fly by the seat of her pants, go with her gut, need to be around people, and delight in all things sensuous (meaning palatable to the five senses). Trust and understanding is paramount to such a situation.

Will she stay faithful? If her partner is open to the fact she has a tendency to explore and change her mind, being "faithful" means being committed, but probably not monogamous. That doesn't mean she can't be monogamous; though, that's where moral standards come into play. She would have to be one tough and wise character to live against her tendencies and still find contentment in a relationship. Difficult, but not impossible.

Anyway, it's not a cool thing to judge people because of their tendencies. We are who we are. And it's why it's so important to "Know Thyself."