Your Online Persona

With online dating becoming more and more popular, a personal profile is ever-more important in making a first impression. We already know that a good picture makes a difference, but what about what you write about yourself?

The last thing you want to say is, "I don't like talking about myself." Everyone hopes you're not egocentric, but to say something like this is a lazy attempt at false humility. I mean false because, although it's a well-meaning statement, deep down you know it has nothing to do with talking about yourself and everything to do with putting your best foot forward.

It takes time and effort to decide how you want to present yourself, since there are many different ways to express yourself in writing. If you're a talented or skilled writer, you could eloquently describe yourself Kerouac-style. But most people don't want to read memoirs online. Some people make lists of adjectives to describe themselves, but they don't always reveal personality. For example, I could say, "I'm confident." But then when you meet me you think I'm obnoxious. Ultimately, however you decide to describe yourself, make it your goal to be transparent and show who you really are. Nobody wants to go face-to-face and be thrown off by an insincere description.

If you use a list, try to paint a picture for the reader that makes you unique. Adding something you like (or don't like)-- for example, an activity-- will make the picture more clear. "Down-to-earth, quiet, warm, easygoing, who reads the paper at the corner café every Sunday morning." The clearer an image you can provide, the more likely you will attract someone like-minded.

Don't be afraid to mention something about you that you think people won't like. What one person doesn't like, another person does. "I don't like small talk," gives the reader a certain impression about your intelligence, or arrogance. Why attract people who won't get along with you?

You can use statements about what you like to do to say a lot about yourself. For example: "My favorite thing to do at bars is walk up to complete strangers and ask them what they think about the price of milk." I'm totally making this up, but if it were a real profile statement, it says a number of things. It indicates that I go to bars, and I probably drink. I can walk up to strangers and talk to them; I have confidence. Asking them about the price of milk, as silly as it is, shows that I like to have fun. Since it's my favorite thing to do at bars, it tells you that I like using pickup lines and that I might not be very creative. It's a dorky statement, but I think you get my point.

Probably the most popular and easiest thing to do in profiles is to say what you like or what interests you. But mention at least several things or be more specific. If "travel" is listed as your only interest, you're not saying much, since a lot of people like travel. What kind of travel? Backpacking? Cruises? 747s? Hitchhiking? Luxury hotels? The more things you say you like, the more interesting you will be to the reader.

You don't want to say things like, "I will make you laugh." There's a chance you won't. But if you're funny and can show your personality in your profile, you might make the reader laugh. "People say I'm funny," will make the reader wonder, "What kind of people think you're funny?" Rather, make fun of yourself. "I put my foot in my mouth at the worst times."

Here are some questions to help you come up with ways to make your profile show who you are:

• What gets you excited?


• What is fun to you?


• What do you enjoy most for leisure (besides sex, guys)?


• What are your 3 best and 3 worst qualities?


• How would you describe your personal style?


• How do your friends see you?


• What song, type of music, or band moves you most?


• What makes you laugh, or cry?

The more specific you get in your profile, the clearer a picture you give about who you are, and the more approachable you will be. But be aware that saying too much might turn people away. I try to keep my descriptors down to no more than 12 qualities and sentences. That way, I provide a brief introduction while giving enough information for the reader to see me. I always write the most important things I want people to know about me, and I give a peek of my worst.

If you still have trouble coming up with an attractive profile, Evan Marc Katz has a service at e-cyrano.com where you can get your online profile a professional makeover. It's a good way to get more people to respond to your profile if you're willing to pay a fee.

In another blog, I'll talk a bit about what you can tell about someone's personality based on how they write their profiles and how you can make your personality shine.

Personality Discovery

One of the cool things I get to do as a wing girl is figure out people's personalities based on the MBTI (Myers-Briggs Type Indicator), an assessment tool stemming from Katharine Briggs' and Isabel Briggs Myers' studies on Carl Jung's psychological types. The Myers-Briggs Foundation endorses an online test at MBTIcomplete.com where you pay $59.95 for an assessment. It's a pretty good test except for one thing: it assumes that all extroverts talk a lot.

At the end of the test you can basically disagree with the test results. It said I was borderline introverted. So, I disagreed and said I was extroverted. And it was because the test had a lot of questions about being talkative!

Looking back, I realize one of the reasons why I don't talk so much for an extrovert is because when I was a kid, my entire family would tell me to be quiet all the time. I grew up in a household of introverts! Every single one of them, Mom, Dad, my two big brothers, but probably not my grandmother. Come to think of it, I wouldn't stop! I would just talk to myself, by myself. Well, eventually I stopped doing that.

By the time junior high school came around, I was a pretty quiet person, except for one thing: I was a huge flirt. In fact, I was voted most flirtateous in high school. And I liked picking fights with fat boys. When college came around, I bolted away from my small town upbringing and traveled 2 continents. It was the best release for my squashed down extroverted personality. Then I became a talker again. Except the talking was so full of debate that I would argue with people all the time.

I wasn't happy picking fights with people anymore, so I decided to become more Zen and learned to empty my head of extraneous thoughts. And I became quiet again. It's been about 15 years since learning that. Now, here I am talking through my fingers. It's more satisfying anyway, cause my energy isn't going towards defending an argument. Rather I get energy from writing in public places where I can observe people. I watch their movements, the way they talk to friends, work on their computers, listen to music, then I guess their personalities. Sometimes, I get into a conversation and ask them questions to see how close I was to figuring them out.

It's definitely a good exercise to study people and try to imagine how they live their lives. Then when I'm out with a guy as his wing, I impress people with my "psychic" ability. It's really not psychic at all. It's just understanding personality types.

Playing the Wing

There's nothing like going out on a Saturday night with a bunch of friends. Especially if you're all single, you've got each other's backs whenever there's an opportunity to approach a hot guy or girl. But what does it take to be a good wing?

In a game of soccer, or field hockey, the wing is the player on the edge of the field playing offense. He often is the one doing the most running when his team has the ball. He makes himself available for a pass, sometimes immediately passing the ball back to get it down the field. Once his teammate has control of the ball, he often goes back to his position towards the edge of the field to make himself available as a wing-- ready for a pass, or to prevent the ball from going out of bounds.

In the game of dating, the wing plays a similar role. He is seemingly on the "edge of the field" looking out for possible passes. (Pun intended.) If he sees an opportunity he might "take control of the ball" and approach the target (a girl) to see if making a play is possible. Having a wing can make scoring easier.

Normally I don't like using terms like "game" and "score" when it comes to dating. The pickup process is a game in which getting a girl to kiss you or getting her phone number is a score. But the actual dating process, to me, is not really a game. Rather, dating is the way two people get to know each other in which there is intent. The intent might be to see how far the date will go, or it might be to see if the other person is a viable prospect for a long-term relationship. Either way, there are steps to this process beginning with the game itself: The pickup.

The pickup is where being a wing comes in. For me, since I'm a girl, playing wing for guys is easy. I can go up to another girl, talk about shoes or how pretty her dress is and where she got it etc. etc. then change the subject to find out something about her. At the appropriate moment, I might say, "Oh, my friend Mike is into that. Let me introduce you." And there goes the introduction.

Now, I've been approached before by a wing guy before. It went something like, "Hey, my buddy thinks you're hot. What do you think of him?" while he points with a head jerk towards some seemingly unassuming character. Automatically, my guard goes up. "Right," I think. I might smile cordially and say, "No, thanks." Or I might take a chance and have a usually boring conversation with the wing's buddy. Judging by the winging line, it's pretty easy for me to foresee how far a conversation will go.

A smart wing, however, should be pretty good at pickups himself. (Okay, so I'm not bad at picking up guys, though I AM a girl.) Anyone who can start a conversation with a stranger can get good at pickups. The key is keeping it natural. I usually say the first thing that pops into my head. (For guys, I know that can be difficult if the first thing is, "Wow, you're hot.") I try to be considerate and think about the person as a human being. She is a person. She has feelings. She gets happy, sad, angry, afraid, and embarrassed. Sometimes, a simple, "Hi. Are you having fun?" gets the talking going.

If you are a considerate person, you won't look at the girl your friend wants to meet and just think, "She's hot." You would consider whether or not the girl would be someone your buddy actually likes. Being considerate will help you come up with something purposeful or meaningful to say. The goal is to find out if the girl is worth pursuing. Of course if you're a wing man, there's a risk of liking the girl for yourself. In that case, take a shot to score. Hopefully your buddy won't be jealous. Or he can get himself a wing girl instead. ;)

Wing appointments

Meeting new people can be challenging. Especially intimidating people. For me, it can be like a game, especially if the person I'm meeting is a celebrity. Many well-known people put up an automatic guard-- a reaction that says, "What do you want from me?" But really each situation is different. In a nightclub, that's a pretty typical reaction. But in a totally random situation, like an ice cream store, meeting someone is a piece of cake.

In an ice cream store, people have one thing on their minds: ice cream. So, any introduction could be a pleasant addendum to the event. Once my friend, Pam, challenged me to go up to Tim Robbins wearing roller blades in a Baskin Robbins. With a cone in his hand, he was a bit less intimating considering his 6 foot 5 inch height plus roller blades. Anyway, I gladly accepted the challenge, starting a little conversation by complimenting him on his work.

I've been known by good friends to have the moxie to start a conversation with just about anyone. Which is why I thought it would be fun to start a wing girl service. In the past, I've successfully helped guys meet women in random places (and not-so-random places). Again, they were challenges I gladly accepted. The harder the challenge, the more fun for me. It's pretty funny to get a rejection now and then. I just laugh it off.

To start, I put an ad in Craigslist saying "Wing Girl Available". The number of responses takes half a day to go through. About half of the guys don't really want a wing girl, so they get weeded out. With every ad put out in New York City, I end up going out with about 5 or 6 guys. The offer has been that the guy buy me a few drinks, maybe some food, and I wing for him. Obviously, given my outgoing nature, I don't need a wing. Hence the barter. I think I'm going to make it food instead of drinks though. A girl needs to eat!

All this started in October 2008. Now it's February. There are stories to tell. Unfortunately, none that are so outrageous to cause one to pee in his pants from laughter. That's something to look forward to. I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

Onward!

Body language clarified

Previously, (just a few minutes ago) I wrote about the uncomfortable situation where a guy tried kissing a girl and her overt body language saying, "No." This is what resulted:

The guy gets up to go to the restroom. I put my laptop down and go over to the girl and ask her if she is okay, because I saw him try to kiss her and that she looked uncomfortable. She says, "I'm just shy." We talk a bit further. I tell her about my book, and she gives me her email address. Then she says "thank you" for my insight about her ordeal. The guy is an idiot, basically.

Get the Hint!

I'm sitting in the lounge at the W Hotel on Union Square in New York City. It's Tuesday evening, just after 6pm and the Afterwork crowd has arrived. I got here a couple hours ago in order to work on my book, AlphaDog, Get the Bitch You Want. It's not the most comfortable place to sit and write. A curved veneered wall lines one side of the oblong room, allowing sound to bounce in all different directions. For a writer, it's not exactly the most beneficial, especially when you can hear one side of a conversation and not the other.

Shortly after settling on a comfy couch, my laptop open and ready to work, a couple sits down on the same couch. Obviously it distracted me from working on the book, since now I'm writing this blog entry.

I tried not to pay attention to what they were talking about, but I could hear everything they were saying to each other. They apparently just started dating. He was North American, she, Brazilian. He told her why he liked her as opposed to other women he'd dated: The boring conversations; Nothing in common. Blah, blah, blah. I had to get away.

A guy, who was sitting on a banquette where an electrical outlet is located, left his spot, so I grabbed the opportunity to get further away from the manipulative talker. It was then, after settling down in my new spot, that I watched a most uncomfortable and quite disturbing incident.

The guy had his hand on the small of her back. She had been sitting comfortably with her back all the way against the back of the couch... until he went in to kiss her. That's when the incident caught my eye. She leaned away. By this point, his arm, the one with the hand on her back, was wrapped further around her. So, she couldn't lean very far away. Instead she shifted her whole body placing her butt on the edge of the couch, turning her knees towards him to create a barrier between them. And the guy kept leaning in, trying to kiss her.

"Is this guy that clueless? Can't he read her body language?" I thought. The poor girl looked over at me. I didn't know what to do. I just raised my eyebrows at the guy. I wondered if I should intercede, find out if everything was "okay". Before I could make a decision, she got up and went to the restroom.

What could she have thought? What was she going to do? She came back, sat back down and started talking to the guy. I couldn't hear what they were saying at this point. The music had been raised, and I was further away. Apparently, she reconciled with him, leaned in to kiss him on the cheek. Then they started making out. I don't get it.