Wing Girl Observations

Getting back ON IT

2012-02-17T13:57:00.001-05:00

Wow. I haven't posted on here in over a year.

Lately, though, I've gone through some major life changes which I talk about a bit in a post on DatingThoughts.com. It's not easy to be vulnerable, but once out, sharing some personal information is quite freeing, especially when the cause of the change is due to a worldwide tragedy.

That said, I'm happy to announce that I'm back on it. Sunday, I ride upstate to meet with a guy who wants some date coaching. Excited to see what will come of that. I've also recently been approached about being a social psychological consultant for a game.

There is nothing like doing what you enjoy doing as work. For me, it's even better understanding why I enjoy what I do. Namely, being around people. As an Extravert, being around people is a great joy and source of inspiration and energy.

Please comment, ask questions, post thoughts, share! We are a part of humanity and like specks of dust in the universe – finite individuals in an infinite world.

One small act of kindness

2010-11-13T10:43:00.001-05:00

Sometimes, the smallest act of kindness goes beyond being a nice guy.

The subway was slow. Normally the ride takes no more than 20 minutes, but this day it took twice the time. People were not happy. In spite of this, as the train car became more crowded, a guy who was sitting next to me got up and offered his seat to a woman.

Now, you might think this woman was pregnant or drop-dead gorgeous. She didn't look preggers, nor was she the type to appear in fashion magazines. She was simply a woman who got on the train.

This guy didn't hesitate.

I had been sitting next to him for at least 10 minutes. Except for a sigh of exasperation due to the slowness of the subway, he sat inconspicuously and I didn't pay attention to him. But the moment he got up and offered his seat, he came into focus. And it wasn't just me that noticed. Across the way, another guy saw. And like that Liberty Mutual commercial about paying it forward, he also moved to let someone else have a seat.

I also noticed that this guy wasn't bad looking either. Wow, a decent-looking guy who's considerate of strangers? If I were still single, I would have worn the look of having been charmed.

It didn't have to be an average woman that he offered his seat, but on the New York City subway, it doesn't happen often. A pregnant woman, an old person, or an injured person, it's expected. (Though most people sitting on the subway are too selfishly indrawn to notice even those people.) Maybe the guy saw how tired she looked, or maybe he's just a real gentleman with a mama who taught him well.

Whatever the motivation, the action proves that one small alpha decision can impact the surrounding world.

Tips for Career Success

2010-11-13T00:03:00.001-05:00

A short article for those struggling for work in this economy.

The interview process is half the battle in achieving employment. The other half is keeping a good job.
Here are three tips for success:

Take initiative
On the job, you might see something that needs help or improvement. Rather than expect someone else to fix it, do it yourself. It might be as simple as replacing the empty jug on the water cooler, or it might be something with greater impact, like introducing an idea to make workflow more efficient. Some initiatives can be done with autonomy. Others, such as a good idea, might be better off discussed with people you can confide in, such as your boss or colleagues.
Keep an open mind
Be proactive

Losing a job can come with bad feelings, but such a situation could actually be an opportunity. Think about what you can improve: your skills, your work ethic, or personality compatibility. (Sometimes we have to adjust our behavior to get along with others.) Don’t spend too much time worrying about the past. Rather, take what you’ve learned and use that knowledge at your next job. It’s better to admit your mistakes—which everyone makes—than try to hide them.

Wing Girls Make "Great" Girlfriends

2010-07-20T11:32:00.004-04:00

Maybe I'm blowing my own bubble, but I asked my boyfriend and he thinks it's okay that I write about the wing girl-"great girlfriend" paradigm. I'll try to be brief.

You might already know, or can easily guess, why a wing girl would make a "great" girlfriend. So, maybe this is really for all the girls out there seeking a significant other.

Here's the short list:

1. Wing girls 'got your back

They look out for others' benefit. It's a pretty selfless act to speak on behalf of another in order to win the listener's favor for someone else. That tendency for a wing girl to look out for friends is a clear indication of the girl's altruism. That, according to the AlphaDog book, is like an alpha dog. It might not feel natural at first to do something for someone else that you would normally do for yourself-- i.e., make a pickup. But once you experience the reward that comes with selfless acts, getting into a habit of looking outward isn't far beyond.

2. Wing girls just want to have fun

Lightheartedness is a key attribute men love. Ladies, if you have a hard time lightening up but you agree with this statement, maybe it's time to get radical about whatever personal issues are holding you back from enjoying life to the fullest. Life is too short to hold onto bitterness, sorrow, or regret. Learn from life's experiences and move on. Look around. I see young men and women regularly who lost limbs in Iraq and Afghanistan. Maybe you lost a part of your soul from a terrible incident. This doesn't mean that you can't get back your dignity. This is part of the balance of life. Deal with the issues, get over them, and learn to enjoy life.

3. Wing girls empathize

In order for a wing girl to really help someone else, she has to understand what that person thinks or feels. She has to be in touch with that person enough to meet his or her relationship needs. That means being a good listener, putting aside personal issues or problems to focus on the other person, and making an effort to understand his or her perspective. It also means not assuming before listening what the other person thinks. Presumption is the greatest barrier to empathy. Typically, we might think of a guy to only be interested in food and football. But he has feelings too. He probably prefers not to discuss them, but he has them. Just because he has more testosterone, which has been scientifically proven to play a factor in anti-social behavior, doesn't mean he is not affected by emotions. So, ladies, be sensitive to men. Pay some attention and try to understand where men come from.

Conclusion

So, ladies, if you're wondering what you can do to increase your man magnetism, remember these three things. Be more selfless. Be lighthearted, not just when you're having a good time, but also amidst day-to-day drudgery. Be empathetic.

And guys, it can work for you, too.

Want to be on a game show?

2010-02-03T13:23:00.007-05:00

My friend, Jill, has an online TV program called "Cooking For Bachelors." It's a great site for anyone who wants to learn to cook well (including guys who like impressing their dates).

Now she's putting together a dating game show. See below for more info:

Tuesday 2, February 2010
Cooking for Bachelors TV is seeking singles who like to cook for our upcoming Dating Game shows.

Haven’t we all heard that a way to a man’s [woman’s] heart is through his [her] stomach? Here’s your opportunity to see how that could work in your favor. Season Three of Cooking for Bachelors TV will feature a dating game show. In each episode three single women or men will prepare a dish to be selected as the lucky winner of a date with the bachelor.

Dishes must follow the philosophy of the website (cookingforbachelors.tv) as they must be from fresh (local when possible) ingredients and must be able to be prepared in 15 minutes or less. They can be dishes that have been already prepared on one of our videos or a unique dish. Ethnic dishes are most welcome. Contestants will be required to audition and commit to the shoot in NYC in early Spring.

Write to date@cookingforbachelors.tv for an application. Good luck!

Hope to see you on the show!
-WGK

A Good Man is Not That Hard to Find

2009-11-18T15:01:00.003-05:00

Reposted from goodmenbook.org

My mother used to pressure me to settle down. “Get married,” she pestered. In spite of this being the modern world and all, it's still not as easy for a woman to get a husband as it is for a man to get a wife. And I don't mean finding the “right” spouse. I mean getting someone to say “I do” before witnesses. Let's face it, women, in general, want to get married before men do.

Granted, people overall take more precautions today before jumping over the broomstick than they did thirty or forty years ago. Just look at the median ages of first-time wedders. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, in 1971 (when I was born), the median ages of Americans marrying for the first time was twenty-three for men and twenty-one for women. Thirty years later--when Mom really started bugging me--the median ages were twenty-seven and twenty-five. I'm sure those ages would be even higher if not for the increasing number of women doing the proposing. Perhaps these women are tired of being kept up at night by their biological ticking.

A few years ago, my boyfriend of four years broke up with me. My thought was, “Cool. I'm glad I didn't have to do it.” Don't get me wrong. We had a great four years, and I was sad. But it was time to move on. He was and still is a good man. He just wasn't for me. You see, I think a lot like a guy; I’ve tested in the top percentiles in subjects men tend to do better in, such as mechanical comprehension. I enjoy working on my Honda CL360 and watching the Giants kick the Patriots’ asses. But my boyfriend watched football only when the Super Bowl was on--and only when the Steelers were playing. Baseball? Forget it. He wouldn’t even watch the World Series.

At age 36, the age my mother gave birth to me, I decided it was time to consider what she wanted. So I dated--a lot. I had a date almost every week, sometimes two or three in a week. I don't remember how I met most of those guys, never mind their names. After about six months of this, I started asking my dates, “Can I give you a suggestion?” Then I'd tell them what bugged me about going out with them. I did this as much to help them as to figure out exactly what I was looking for.

All these men were great guys. I saw something endearing in each one, even the guy who didn't want to hear my suggestion--definitely can't remember his name. But none of them lit my fire long enough to consider marriage. Relationship, yes. Marriage, no way.

Their grateful responses to my dating suggestions encouraged me to write a book that these great guys would want to read. I researched high and low for issues to write about. I Googled dozens of keywords and read articles six-links deep. In the process I came across a book by clinical psychologist Dr. Alex Avila, LoveTypes: Discover Your Romantic Style and Find Your Soul Mate.

In a nutshell, Dr. Avila says that each of us has one of 16 personality types based on the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) that is romantically compatible with another particular personality type. One out of every 100 American women has my personality type. Go figure.

Six out of every 100 American men have the personality type that perfectly matches mine. So that means that six of the last 100 men I dated were my type, right? Not. A man with this personality type marries earlier, and he is compatible with other types besides mine, the types belonging to seventeen out of 100 women. The math = not good for me.

After I learned about the MBTI, how relationships work made more sense to me. It was as though scales had fallen off my eyes. I could see why that good man I was with for four years never rang marriage bells to my ears.

To test Dr. Avila's theories, I decided to look for my perfect match. I found an abundance of my perfect match at my favorite hangout, the Soho Grand Hotel in New York, but all those men were married. Not so perfect, actually. Then I looked online.

I realized that it's possible to determine a guy’s MBTI type by examining his online profile. Once in a while, I'd find someone, but he either never responded, was much younger than me, or he was married. Yes, married and dating online. At this point, I just wanted know if Dr. Avila is right. So I wrote to a guy who was married but separated. He wrote back. Twelve emails and two phone calls later, we met. It was eighteen months after breaking up with the Good Man.

The doctor is right. And not only is my now-boyfriend my perfect match, he is also a good man. His story is another blog.

Responding to blog about a woman fixated on a date

2009-11-10T18:29:00.008-05:00

I was reading a dating adviser's blog that addressed a poor woman's plight over a guy who hadn't called her in two weeks since their date. This was my comment:

The truth is, every guy has his reason for what he does or doesn’t do. That’s what makes us HUMAN. We are not robots. We do not come with programming. (Though we can become programmed. Ouch. Did i go there?)

For EVERY single woman out there, my advice is be independent. The fact that a woman can’t stop thinking about a guy she barely knows makes it a crush. When we’re independent, the fact that he hasn’t called again flicks the switch that tells us to let it go! But when we’re clingy, we have issues to fix, and it’s not wise to wait for someone else to fix them.

Women, go after your personal dreams. If your dream is to get married, then consider an arranged one, because men are generally not attracted to women who only care about getting married.

Take care of yourself first. Heal yourself. Put your energy into something productive. Help others. Volunteer. Fill your time with activities that can help the world, or do something you love doing and share it with people. Then you will know independence. Then you will attract a guy who’s right for you.

It bugs me that even after the book and movie, He's Just Not That Into You, women are still looking for the answer they want to hear. Not to say that I agree completely with the book's message, which was one simple thing-- i.e., the title. (The movie was different in that it told a story.) Not ALL men stop calling because they're not into a girl. However, the message should work well enough to help women take charge of their lives and not be enslaved by passing emotions. (Working on my second book to address such things. It's called Heeling Your Inner Bitch.)

If you take the time to think about the big picture-- i.e., life as a whole and the possibility of sharing it with a lifelong companion and possibly procreating-- finding the right match is important. Why would anyone spend more time with a date if he or she knew the date wasn't the right one? For friendship? Sure, why not. But not a good idea if it's not mutual or if sexual tension complicates that friendship. Some people need to learn to walk away from such relationships and move on.

Geez, I hate that I spent all the time responding. Well, I hope it helps at least.

The personality type least likely to stay monogamous

2009-11-03T16:42:00.006-05:00

With the recent talk about Madonna and her divorce from director Guy Ritchie, I must comment on it.

Among the 16 Myers-Briggs personality types, the least likely personality to stay married is "ESFP" or Extraverted Sensory Feeling Perceiving, which is what Dr. Alex Avila calls "The Performer." That type is least likely to stay monogamous. It would not be surprising if Madonna were that personality type.

Of course, it's not impossible for The Performer to stay in a committed relationship. Moral standards help. So would partnering with someone who can relate to The Performer's tendency to fly by the seat of her pants, go with her gut, need to be around people, and delight in all things sensuous (meaning palatable to the five senses). Trust and understanding is paramount to such a situation.

Will she stay faithful? If her partner is open to the fact she has a tendency to explore and change her mind, being "faithful" means being committed, but probably not monogamous. That doesn't mean she can't be monogamous; though, that's where moral standards come into play. She would have to be one tough and wise character to live against her tendencies and still find contentment in a relationship. Difficult, but not impossible.

Anyway, it's not a cool thing to judge people because of their tendencies. We are who we are. And it's why it's so important to "Know Thyself."

Pickup strategies vs. the AlphaDog way

2009-10-16T16:58:00.010-04:00

What's the difference between pickup strategies and the AlphaDog strategy?

There are 3 things a person needs to successfully use pickup strategies:

1. An attractive look;
2. Visible confidence;
3. An understanding of social dynamics.

Being attractive

Schools that teach pickup techniques will explain that in order to get a girl's phone number the first time you meet her, you have to present yourself well. It's a good teaching, and definitely necessary if your goal is to get a phone number. But it's not always necessary to look your absolute best.

Sometimes, there's an opportunity to meet a woman at a seemingly inopportune moment. For example, like after just getting beat up. (Okay, that's extreme, but I like those kinds of examples.) You'd look awful, right? To a woman, you'd also look vulnerable-- a difficult position for lots of guys-- and that can be an opportunity to show a woman who you are on the inside. The inside is what a lot of women care to see, anyway. Then all it takes is reading her body language that says, "Are you okay?" Then, it's an opportunity. You can answer her non-verbal question with, "The guy who punched me was really big," or something like that. Hey, I'd laugh at that.

Visible confidence

Visible confidence is one of those things that pickup artists thrive on. If you appear confident, women will be attracted. Okay, but visible confidence doesn't always mean a guy is secure with himself. A cocky and funny guy might look like he's under control, but sometimes underneath is a stockpot of bubbling issues waiting to boil over.

Here's a fact: Everyone has issues. So, the superficial display of "I'm so secure" will only go so far. Yes, it can result in getting phone numbers, but it won't help you work through relationship problems down the line. Instead, have a quiet confidence. Be proud of who you are, but don't boast. Acknowledge your weaknesses and be happy with your strengths. That doesn't mean tell your date about all your problems, but it does mean be honest about who you are. Hidden issues might affect the relationship badly. Though, your candidness might enable her to work with you in spite of your problems. That doesn't mean she has to "fix" you, but it does mean having a partnership.

Social dynamics

This is one of those things that gets better through practice and meeting lots of people. Ever watch a video of a master pickup artist at work? How does he know what to say? Social dynamics takes an understanding of people and what makes them tick.

But if you don't like meeting a lot of people, growing in your ability to shoot the breeze with anyone isn't going to matter to you. If you're an AlphaDog, however, it won't matter. Hey, everyone can benefit from learning the art of being social, but not everyone cares to. What really matters is finding the person who you will be comfortable with. That's a matter of knowing your own personality and seeking out a personality that suits you.

Hey, there's nothing wrong with pickup techniques. I think they're quite fun. But they're not the answer to starting every relationship. For more on this, check out the book. :)

Cool guys rock

2009-10-04T14:06:00.003-04:00

Last night I spoke to a couple guys at the local watering hole. One of them is married, and the other one, in a relationship. The married guy (let's call him Chris) remembered a previous conversation about my book and told his friend (Jim) about it. Chris seems to think that Jim needs to think more about his young relationship with his girl.

But when having a conversation with Jim, he seemed to be quite level-headed and understanding. He admitted to having a desire to procreate and wanting to do so with a woman who was right for him. He had had long-term relationships before, and had no trouble pinpointing potential issues. Yet this girl didn't have those issues, he claimed.

Jim is the kind of person who analyzes situations logically preventing previous negative experiences from swaying his judgment. He also has a sober perspective of his self. While he usually spends time with his girlfriend in the quiet of home, he also enjoys being out late with his male buddies. And while he tends to use logic before feelings to make decisions, he also is aware of his feelings and does not ignore them.

Jim is a well-rounded individual. He's an example of someone who naturally behaves like an AlphaDog. He knows himself well enough to know what he wants in a companion while considering the big picture and the long term.

As for Chris, he's a good friend looking out for his buddy. He's also in a happy relationship and wants to make sure his friend benefits from a compatible romance. That's also alpha.

After meeting a bunch of single guys who think knowing the "Rules of The Game" is the way to meet women, it's refreshing to meet guys who don't just live by their libido. These guys use logic and acknowledge their feelings. That's cool.

Women like men who use logic AND acknowledge their feelings. ;)

Take advantage of this last weekend of September

2009-09-25T13:04:00.004-04:00

It's the last weekend of September, and as it is in New York State, there is so much going on. The weather is beautiful; there are dozens upon dozens of organized activities; and people have plans up the wazoo. I myself have issues with the fact that it's the weekend of the Dumbo Arts Council's festival under the bridge, and I've got a party planned. (How does one cut out of one's own party to attend three others?)

Since there is SO MUCH going on this "official" beginning of Autumn, take the opportunity to spend it with someone. If you're single, that means get a date.

(And here's where I plug my book: If you don't know how to get a date, get my book on Amazon.com. It's also available on Kindle. I hope you knew that already.)

Anyway, there must be SOMETHING you'd like to do. Plan it. Invite someone. Do it. Go. And if your date flakes on you, go anyway and meet someone new, or run into somebody known. Don't be a cynic.

"What is a cynic? A man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing." -Oscar Wilde

Have fun :) and please come back and share stories.

Get responses with online dating

2009-09-04T13:25:00.005-04:00

Meeting people online has its issues, but they are not impossible to deal with. You need tactics, as if you were an online pickup artist.

I met my boyfriend, Jason, on plentyoffish.com. I swore to myself it would be the last dating site I would ever join. Since I was still working on my book, and writing about personality types based on the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI), I decided to test myself. I wanted to see if I could find my perfect personality match through a person's online profile.

Of course, I had to know about personality matching. I had read Dr. Alex Avila's LoveTypes book. I learned my type, ENTP, aka "The Innovator," is romantically compatible with ENTJ, aka "The General."

It's difficult to order a book, read it, and put it into practice in a matter of a few days. So, I'll try to give a bared down tip...

Think about 3 things about your mind/life that are distinct to you compared to other people you know. For example, for me: 1. I dislike set schedules; 2. I love to be silly; 3. I'm very analytical and have to think to know my feelings.

Next, go to the dating site, and as you peruse people's profiles, look for things that jump out at you that you think or know would work with you. For example, I know for myself it has always helped me to have someone in my life who was better at living by a schedule than me; so, in that sense I look for my opposite. Plus, since I'm analytical, smart people interest me. Funny, 'cause the initial impression of Jason's photo was, "This guy is arrogant!" Sure enough, he's arrogant because he's smart--and I like him that way.

When you find something distinct about the person you can relate to, write a message that caters to that distinction without getting too personal. For me, I realized that Jason likes to debate. So, in my first message, I challenged him on his profile's headline.

Note: The more attention you pay to details, the more a person senses genuineness. For example, if a girl writes something like, "I love to go out for good food..." Don't just write, "What kind of food?" Dig deeper. Assume "good food" is the difference between dining on the Baja peninsula and Taco Bell. Instead you could say something like, "Have you been to the Bistro on Main Street?" or whatever; you get the point, I hope.

In the meantime, check out Avila's LoveTypes book. For a generalization on what that's about, you can also read Parts IV and V in my AlphaDog book, also available on Kindle.

Good luck!

This post was inspired by @YouWishYouWere on Twitter.

Where to find a good wingwoman

2009-08-27T10:08:00.007-04:00

Finding a wingwoman who will help you meet attractive women is like finding a model with enough intelligence to, say, host a T.V. show. Well, Anna Nicole Smith (R.I.P.) hosted her own show, sort of. It's difficult and easy depending on a lot of factors. The good thing is that you can find someone to be your wing just about anywhere. No matter where you seek, here are some criteria of a good wingwoman:

1. She must be extroverted. If you've read my book, you know there's a difference between having an Extroverted personality type and being outgoing. A good wingwoman might not have an Extroverted personality type, which means she naturally prefers being around people to doing things at home. But if she's an outgoing Introverted type, she might lose steam as midnight approaches. In that case, some incentives, say, a few Jacksons, might motivate her enough to hang tight with you for that girl you want to meet.

Natural Extroverted personality types get energy from being around people. An incentive like some free food is enough to convince her to hang out with you.

2. She must have social grace. To find this out quickly, talk about a sensitive topic with her, like how women deal with PMS. A seriously defensive girl might be difficult to work with, but a girl who makes light of a "sensitive" subject will be fun. (I don't think PMS is that sensitive myself, but a lot of women feel strongly about it. Abortion is another topic to test sensitivity.) A girl who makes light of things shouldn't take winging too seriously, and will be able to make the male-female connection possible with her sense of humor.

3. She must have the ability to charm AND understand guys. A woman who charms a man doesn't necessarily get along with other women. But a woman who understands what makes a man tick will know how to get on women's good side. Women want to know about men as much as men want to know about women. So, a wingwoman who can talk frankly about men to other women will win a woman's approval.

The danger in getting a woman who doesn't understand why sports are so engaging, for example, will get caught up in girl talk. But a woman who can reason with another woman why a man should be given a chance--she's platinum.

A good wingwoman doesn't have to be as attractive as the woman you want to meet. In fact, it might be easier to meet her, since the target woman won't feel as threatened by her as with a beautiful wing. Though, if your wing is really good with charm, she can do anything, even if she's drop-dead gorgeous. Likewise, if a woman is plain-looking, she might have the charm that can tame lions.

If you want someone really good, paying a wingwoman with experience something like, say, $30 bucks an hour to start (if you're in NYC) is reasonable. (I would think San Fran is similar due to rent prices there. LA could probably go to $25.)

Of course, there are other things to consider when seeking a good wingwoman. It really depends on what you're comfortable with. If you're a dive bar rat with no charm yourself, and you're seeking swanky women, even an expert wing can't help you hook up. A good wingwoman will tell you like it is. If you need to practice speaking naturally around women, there is little a wing can do to help you get where you want to go. She can help you get practice being around women, but don't expect miracles. But if you're confident enough, a wingwoman with the above criteria can make your evening a blast.

Thanks to Peter of Gotham Jiujitsu (gothamjiujitsu.com) for inspiring this article.

Why would an expert need help?

2009-08-20T10:59:00.003-04:00

Last night, hanging out at my favorite local watering hole, I overheard two guys talking about dating. Perfect opportunity for a wing girl. Unfortunately, they weren't pleased with my, or a woman's, perspective. I showed them my book, subtitled "A Man's Guide to Dating, by a Woman," yet their reaction was arrogantly charged.

I let them flip through the book, to which other people have laughed out loud reading, and let them alone, continuing the conversation with the person I was with--incidentally, my boyfriend. Though I didn't pay attention to what they said to each other, I noticed that neither of them laughed. Glancing over, I could see them sneering and rolling eyes. Clearly, two guys who didn't "need" a dating guide.

Though the two guys weren't ugly-looking, their attitudes were the biggest turnoff any woman would see. Go figure, there were none around them.

I let them peruse the book as long as they wanted until one of them discourteously tossed the book back at me sliding it across the sticky bartop. Nice.

If you were new and green at a job, you wouldn't act arrogantly as if you knew everything. You wouldn't shun the advice of people who had been there longer or were good at what they did. Why should a person have an arrogant attitude if his or her dating life sucked? These guys at the bar were clearly disgusted by their dating lives, yet behaved like "experts." Yet even a true expert doesn't have a pass to behave like an asshole.

Nobody who is successful with what he or she does got success without someone else's help. With dating, that help can come about in a number of different ways. For me, someone had to show me how arrogant I was in order for me to stop behaving so with a date. Someone else had to show me to stop being bossy. Another person taught me to be less rough (I'm a tomboy) and be gentle when appropriate.

At one point of the evening, my boyfriend went outside for a smoke. Then one of the guys asked what happened to my "date."

I replied, "That's my boyfriend."

"I know," he said.

No, he didn't. If he knew that was my boyfriend, why did he say "date" and not "boyfriend?" Granted, my boyfriend and I were having a date, just as we do almost every night. Yet the audacity of this guy prevented him from being honest to himself: His dating life sucks and he's too prideful to say it. Instead he complains and casts blame on women.

When my boyfriend came back, he did his usual thing of squeezing my right trapezius, then leaning in for a kiss. How disgusting. The guys got up and moved.

Even an expert in any field is not beyond the help or suggestion of other people. No one person can know or understand everything. So, even if your dating life is going great, be open to feedback and to others' perspective. Doing so will at least widen your horizons and might give you insight you didn't perceive before.

Finding dating advice for men

2009-07-21T11:35:00.008-04:00

In searching for the best keywords for my website, I kept coming across David DeAngelo's sites. It seems almost as if he has monopolized dating advice for men. But really, he hasn't. He has made a name for himself (which isn't his real name, by the way, as most pickup artists get AKAs), and I don't discount his advice. His advice does work for some women. But I don't think it works for most women.

Solid dating advice for men

I always believed that we should learn from history. But as history has its mistakes, we must ask ourselves critically: What are our examples? Who can we go to for advice? Where do we seek our models? Without criticism, we can become brainwashed to the "flavor of the month" or the idea of the day. As time goes by, what works for some people is proven not to work for others.

As a human being, you are unique. There is no one out there like you today, never has been in the past, nor will there ever be someone exactly like you. Therefore, there is no one method or technique for meeting women that works for all people to find the joy of lasting romance that people generally seek. Your "technique" must be your own. I'm not saying "just be yourself." I never thought being a bumbling idiot was a good idea if that's what I was at a given moment. However, it is important to know yourself better. Believe it or not, chances are you don't know yourself as well as you should. If that statement makes your pride get defensive, why?

The better you know yourself, the less defensive you feel. Really. Ask the wisest person you can find. The Dalai Lama said,

"Self-discipline, although difficult, and not always easy while combating negative emotions, should be a defensive measure. At least we will be able to prevent the advent of negative conduct dominated by negative emotion. That is 'shila', or moral ethics. Once we develop this by familiarizing ourselves with it, along with mindfulness and conscientiousness, eventually that pattern and way of life will become a part of our own life."

Hey, I think DeAngelo's "cocky-funny" pickup technique is fun. But I would not be inclined to get into anything serious with anyone who uses it to "get to know" me. There is better advice out there. Click the link.

Playing on words

2009-07-21T11:31:00.005-04:00

So, this weekend, I got hate mail. It was from a woman who was offended that I use the word "bitch" in the title of my book. This is what I wrote in my book about the word:

When I write bitch, of course, I’m not referring to a nasty woman, though some men like them nasty girls. When you think about it, there’s something positive about a girl who’s called a bitch: She has influence.

Among wild dogs, dominance is not about power. As smaller predators, the dominant dogs in packs must be overseers, striving to maintain the pack’s social structure, which is essential for survival. So, the male alpha dog doesn’t want just any bitch. He wants another overseer.

I have never thought that anyone should refer to a woman, or anyone really, as something profane. But when society begins to accept a profane term jokingly without any intention for irreverence or vulgarity, it's time to lighten up and not take things personally. I use the word "bitch" in it's truest sense, then play with it. The title is tongue-in-cheek.

I don't point my finger at people who don't know how to detach personal experience from a foreign item. To them I say, "Don't judge a book by its cover." Though it is a testament to the way people do take things personally. Some people are so "Introverted" (read Parts 4 and 5 in the book about Introversion) that they have difficulty looking at situations outside themselves without placing internal values on them. It's this kind of thinking that makes everyone else take precaution.

Should I have taken more precaution in choosing the title of my book? Well, I did. And I decided to go with what makes most people laugh. For everyone who doesn't laugh at it: Hey, it's just a play on words. Don't judge me for it.

Who isn't interested in relationships?

2009-07-15T15:49:00.006-04:00

Dating and Relationships is practically an industry of its own. The amount of activity on dating websites is astounding compared to earlier in the generation. Many people who date online today in the past thought they'd never do it. Today, online dating is up to status quo.

If we think about why people have come to accept online dating, there are pros and cons, just as there are in almost any social change. The fact that acceptance has come so quickly is a matter of interest. People are interested in dating and relationships. It's the reason why, when the media points attention to it, people listen.

The problem has been that there have been few solutions to meet the needs of the public. Dating websites have marginal success rates in helping people finding true love. For the rest of their members, the search goes on, leaving them with questions unanswered.

My new book, AlphaDog, Get The Bitch You Want: A Man's Guide to Dating, by a Woman, aims to provide some solutions. See the press release on the book on PRWeb.com.

Dating Individuality

2009-07-13T03:01:00.000-04:00

When I tell guys I wrote a book called AlphaDog, Get The Bitch You Want, some guys have questions that they ask me. The difficult part is that for every similar question there is about how to get the girl, there are innumerable answers. Unless there's time to sit with each person, learn about his situation, learn something about his object of interest, and provide useful information or suggestions, there's no way to really help. I guess that's why pickup tactics are popular. They can be quick solutions to somewhat superficial problems.

It seems like more and more people just want to have meaningful, long-lasting relationships. Getting laid seems less important. Since people know that superficiality is disastrous for deep relationships, going beyond the pickup is the knowledge they seek.

Without getting philosophical, the answers are deep within us. We know deep down what's right and wrong. The problem, however, is that sometimes we fail to step back and look at ourselves to see what other people see. That's what pride does--keeps us from seeing our true selves. Stepping back is the beginning of getting to the answers we want in our search for love. It takes us from the question, "What am I missing," to "What do I see in myself," to "How can I change that," to discovering the answers.

That's not to say that guys need to change. Everyone needs to change. I need to change. Women need to change, too. The issue is that when our lives are not where we want them to be, we might be missing valuable lessons on personal growth. The truth is, we can never stop growing as human beings. Hokey as it sounds, that's how life is. Accept it.

The question I like to ask guys is this: "How well do you know yourself?" It can be a difficult question to answer. Answering, "Well enough," is not a qualified response. But if a person can laugh about himself and respond candidly, in my opinion, he's better off than a suave pickup artist with shallow relationships.

Everyone is different. Everyone's perfect match is also different. Therefore, there are no easy answers to finding love. It's a journey. Think of it as adventure.

A Video Story

2009-06-24T03:52:00.000-04:00

Some of you know about my upcoming book, AlphaDog, Get The Bitch You Want. In preparing for the book's launch, I've made a little six-minute movie. Click the picture to watch it. Enjoy!

Rock on!

Meeting women not online

2009-05-07T03:56:00.001-04:00

If you want to increase your chances of meeting someone suitable for you, bars are not ideal places. Yet time and time again, when I hang out with guys to be their wing, they just want to go to bars to meet women! It’s one thing to meet a person and click with her on levels deeper than physical attraction. But at a bar, the risks are obvious. How? Well, let’s see. Chances are, you’re inebriated and she’s inebriated. You both will be looking good. It’s an almost guaranteed recipe for a relationship that’s going to end abruptly, or painfully if it lasts long enough. Life-long? Not likely. I haven’t met one couple who met at a bar who are still in love after a few years. I’m sure there are exceptions. Please write to me if you know of one.

I don’t think meeting a woman at a bar is completely fruitless. Nor do I think every relationship started at a bar will end tragically. I mean, you could meet a cool girl at bar if, let’s say, you’re a regular and know enough about the people who frequent the place. Or, there might be a bar you know about that fills up with people who have the same type of personality as you.

Regardless of where you meet people, I believe every relationship we have can teach us things that we can’t learn any other way. The most important aspect of where and how you meet people is the potential to have one of the most important components necessary for a deep, meaningful relationship—trust.

In the past, it was more common for guys to date girls they already knew. Girls were friends of the family, grown up in the same neighborhood, familiar from church or school. Because there were already things a dating guy and girl knew about each other, they had a level of trust already established. If you’re presently interested in someone you’ve known for a long time, then you’re already ahead in figuring out if she’s suitable for you. In that case, you can apply some tenacity and keep working on a possible relationship.

Most men in happy long-term relationships met their partners in familiar places such as at school, work, or a friend’s home. To begin with, the connections between people automatically have lower degrees of separation. School and work are obvious situations where there is a degree of trust-built familiarity. A party would be where you often hear or say, how do you know so-and-so? (Easy conversation starter.) Having that common personal connection already gives some clues about what a person is like.

Networking events could be a helpful resource, though the connections between people are based more on acquaintanceship or business rather than friendship. But you might find the woman of your dreams there, especially if she’s a networking queen. Maybe she’s in sales or owns a business. Automatic points for her in my opinion. Who doesn’t like a working girl?

The easiest way to connect with someone is to have something to connect, such as an interest—a.k.a. having something in common. Any place that has shelves of items catering to different interests is a great location where you might find a single woman. Women are everywhere.

Stores provide you with lots of objects with which you can start a conversation. One of my personally favorite stores to browse around is a hardware store. I get a kick out of meeting guys in hardware stores who don’t know what they’re looking for. I mean, I own power tools and build stuff, so I usually know what I’m talking about. I know I can be intimidating that way, but I get a laugh out of it. It sucks though when I get into a conversation with some cute clueless guy in the hardware store, but he obviously is not going to ask for my phone number. (Don’t prejudge me. I give out my cards without prompting.)

It’s easy to meet anyone anywhere as long as you are aware of at least something in common with the person you are meeting. Let’s say you order a roast beef sandwich at the deli. A woman, next in line, also orders a roast beef sandwich. You can tell by the way she orders the sandwich that it’s for her. She pensively thinks about what she wants on the sandwich besides the meat. She asks for a hoagie, and you wonder if she’s going to eat the whole thing. You have a whole list of conversation starters. “I’m a carnivore too.” “You put a lot of thought into your sandwich.” “Are you going to eat that whole thing by yourself?” (Use these as pickup lines if you want, but the more spontaneous, the more persuasive.)

Even better if you see this person more than once. Let’s say you go to the deli and order your sandwich at noon. Every day, or so, you see the same woman buying something at the counter. You will know more about that woman by observing her than you would know about someone you see only once. You have an advantage if you’re buying a sandwich every day at the same place; that place is within your comfort zone. Opening your mouth to say something isn’t much farther. Say, “Hi,” if you don’t know what else to say. Then next time you can say, “How are you?” She might be a girl you recognize from that bar where you go for Happy Hour after work. That gives you one more thing to talk about.

If you have trouble talking to strangers, the most important thing to remember when you are out and about, seemingly minding your own business, is that single women everywhere want to be met. They want you to say, “Hi.” They want someone to speak to them. Even if you don’t get a date, talk to her.

A guy named Bob rode the New York City subway every morning at 8:30 to go to work. One day he got on and noticed a cute girl sitting not too far away. Another day, he got on at the same time and saw the same girl. This time he noticed she was reading a newspaper article about the arts. Bob, an artist, started thinking more about her. He even tried to talk about art out loud with his friend hoping she would overhear. She didn’t. One day he had a short conversation with her and learned her name was Mary. Months went by until finally his neighbor said, “Bob, don’t let today go by without asking Mary out!” He got to the subway platform a little early that morning. A train was in the station. He looked in the subway car; didn’t see the girl. Nervous as all heck, he waited for the next train to arrive. Getting on, he sees her. By the time this day came around, he had observed and put together little clues about her. Name: Mary. Interest: Art. Work: 9 to 5 in Manhattan off the F train line. Armed with determination, he got close enough to start a conversation with “Hi”. Thank heaven she smiled back. He invited her to an art opening, and they exchanged phone numbers. Not too long after, they were married.

The consistency in Bob’s schedule enabled him to use the subway as an opportunity to get to know Mary enough to build a healthy interest. It’s certainly not a typical place to meet someone, yet under the circumstances it was ideal. Already, the morning commute revealed two things they had in common: they both had 9 to 5 jobs, and they both stuck to their morning schedules. By observation, he found another commonality: that she was interested in art. Thinking she was cute was the icing.

Other things to consider if going somewhere to meet someone are personal style, socioeconomics, tastes, hobbies. Really anywhere you go, or hang out, is a viable location for meeting women. It’s what you do that makes the difference.

Your Personality, Online

2009-03-18T03:57:00.000-04:00

Words. They seem benign when they stand alone, one at a time. But put them together just so and you can move minds, instigate revolutions, challenge, console, influence, cajole, cause heartache or laughter, emote and organize.

The power of words is easy to forget when we feel lonely and worn out, lacking inspiration to present our selves to a vast pond of eligible fish. But with some basic understanding of how we utilize certain thought functions, its possible to show who we are in a few sentences.

According to Carl Jung, we use our thoughts for two basic functions: perceiving information and making decisions. In perceiving information, we can be objective or subjective (Extraverted or Introverted). We can also be detail-oriented or holistic (Sensory or Intuitive). In making decisions we use either logic or emotions (Thinking or Feeling).

Whether we are perceiving information or making decisions, every person has a genetic preference over one way or the other. Though we are all capable of behaving Extraverted or Introverted, we each have a natural inclination to do one or the other. These natural inclinations are what defines us according to personality types. Isabel Briggs-Myers, following the work of her mother, Katharine Briggs, developed the MBTI (Myers-Briggs Type Indicator), an assessment tool to help people understand their own thinking preferences, or inclinations. The MBTI uses a fourth dichotomy which determines how a person handles his/her outer world (Judging-Perceiving); Judging types tend to be more comfortable after a decision is made and live a more structured lifestyle, while Perceiving types like to keep their options open and be more spontaneous.

Our preferences are just that: what we prefer. I might allow feelings to influence a final decision, but I prefer to be logical and feel more settled when using logic. I might look organized and know where everything is, but every day my schedule changes like the wind.

These tendencies don't change as our lives change. Again, we can all think each way and become better at using the extremes of each function; but our inclinations to think one way over another are hard-wired into our psyche. These inclinations influence what we want to do with our lives.

When we are aware of our own patterns of behavior and how they connect to our thinking preferences, we are better able to understand why we have our particular strengths and weaknesses. We can also understand why we differ from other people, or why some people are interesting to us and why others are not.

So, to be an "interesting" person to some readers of your online profile, you want it to show who? A bored person with nothing better to do? Of course not. You want to show what makes you different from the next Joe or Jane. You also want to attract the kind of person you would want to be with.

To begin with, know what you prefer. Do you prefer quiet evenings at home? Or do you like being around a lot of people and take in the crowd's energy? Who you are by yourself is the person you will be when you get seriously involved in a relationship and get comfortable with your partner, so you might as well be upfront and honest from the beginning. So, if you're extremely Introverted, you wouldn't want a relationship with an extreme Extravert to get difficult. (But I bet one date could be a blast.)

What do you like to talk about? Do you enjoy going into detail when you tell stories? Or do you think details get trivial and prefer to paint a general picture? Most people like details, so that's something you can show in your profile. Go ahead and tell a story next to your profile picture. A story could tell your most embarrassing moment, an exciting trip you took, your first day at school, a dramatic event-- for example. Or you could just list a bunch of your interests. But if you're not big on details, find words to reveal your big-picture thinking. (I happen to be a big-picture thinker and wrote on a profile "little patience for small talk". It's arrogant, but hey, I'm arrogant and not afraid to admit it.)

Are you sensitive? Warm? A good listener to your friends? Or do you come across relatively cold, caring more about logic and facts? Even if you're male, there's a chance you are really a Feeling decision-maker. About 40% of American men have this decision-making preference. And for females, about 40% of American women are logical decision-makers. So, don't be surprised when stereotypes are busted.

Your occupation provides clues about the way you deal with your outer world. Most people like spontaneity, but a "spontaneous" personality type, or the Perceiving type, would be someone who doesn't mind living with the unknown, such as an inconsistent paycheck, or an inconsistent schedule. People who wait tables and rely on tips are often Perceiving types. A Judging personality (not the same as judgmental) prefers to know ahead of time when they need to show up at the office every day. There is comfort in its consistency. Though a Judging type might enjoy spontaneity, at the same time, there is a preference for stability, such as a secure career like law, IT, or accounting, for example.

When you write your online profile, consider your own preferences and how your words might reveal a glimpse of your complexity. (Compared to other animals, you are complex.) Remember that some things won't set you apart from other people. Everyone hopes that you have an occupation, that you present yourself decently in public, and have a good sense of humor. And most people like spontaneity, passion, and confidence. Your words should paint an image people can see. Avoid being generic and boring by using descriptive words. For example, instead of, "I have a 9 to 5 job that I'm not crazy about," say something like, "I get up in the morning to go to a finance job, but I'd rather bang on my drums all day." (That would be a Perceiving type in a Judging environment.)

When you read other profiles, pay attention to keywords and phraseology. Do the words describe concrete things or are they more abstract, or intangible? For example, "I like beaches, amusement parks and horses," versus "Being near the beach is important to me." How words are used can show if a person is Sensory or Intuitive. Do words express feelings or logic? They reveal the decision-making aspect, but they don't necessarily mean a person is gushy or icy. A sensitive person might also be pragmatic and a logical thinker could have tons of compassion.

Humor is part of personality, and everyone hopes you have it. So, don't just say, "I have a good sense of humor." Tell a joke to show you not only have a sense of humor, but also what kind of humor you have. Or incorporate humor into a fact. Instead of, "I work 9 to 5," say something like, "My job threatens to give me paper cuts, but I like my cubicle neighbors." If you get good at reading people's personalities through what they write, even the kind of humor shown can clue you into their types.

Style is icing on our personalities that you can show through your interests. It's easy to incorporate your style when you want to show a likable trait. For example, instead of, "I like to have fun," say something like, "I like head-bopping at rock concerts." If you're not sure what your style is, sharing the things that get you excited will reveal a bit of your style. There's nothing like music to reveal your style. Even if you like all kinds of music, try to narrow down to specifics. Maybe you close your eyes and sway to classical. Or try to remember how a specific song moved you.

In the ocean of single people and their profiles, there is a way to search for those who are probably more compatible with you. And you can set yourself apart among different schools. I suggest starting off with knowing your hard-wired thinking preferences.

There is an online dating site, which is an excellent resource for knowing and understanding your MBTI personality type (your hard-wired thought preferences). It's Dr. Alex Avila's LoveTypes.com. Dr. Avila, a clinical psychologist, has developed the LoveTypes® system to enable you to make your search for a compatible partner easier. On the site, you can order a copy of his book, which I read and recommend. I personally used his system to find my boyfriend who, I should add, I believe is my soul mate. (More on that in another blog.)

Once you have a working knowledge of your personality type (particularly the MBTI type), you might find that describing yourself will be easier. What you want in a romantic relationship will also become more clear, and perusing online profiles might become more fun and adventurous. Add personal style to your personality description and you can have a stunning portrait in words.

Your Online Persona

2009-02-25T03:59:00.000-05:00

With online dating becoming more and more popular, a personal profile is ever-more important in making a first impression. We already know that a good picture makes a difference, but what about what you write about yourself?

The last thing you want to say is, "I don't like talking about myself." Everyone hopes you're not egocentric, but to say something like this is a lazy attempt at false humility. I mean false because, although it's a well-meaning statement, deep down you know it has nothing to do with talking about yourself and everything to do with putting your best foot forward.

It takes time and effort to decide how you want to present yourself, since there are many different ways to express yourself in writing. If you're a talented or skilled writer, you could eloquently describe yourself Kerouac-style. But most people don't want to read memoirs online. Some people make lists of adjectives to describe themselves, but they don't always reveal personality. For example, I could say, "I'm confident." But then when you meet me you think I'm obnoxious. Ultimately, however you decide to describe yourself, make it your goal to be transparent and show who you really are. Nobody wants to go face-to-face and be thrown off by an insincere description.

If you use a list, try to paint a picture for the reader that makes you unique. Adding something you like (or don't like)-- for example, an activity-- will make the picture more clear. "Down-to-earth, quiet, warm, easygoing, who reads the paper at the corner café every Sunday morning." The clearer an image you can provide, the more likely you will attract someone like-minded.

Don't be afraid to mention something about you that you think people won't like. What one person doesn't like, another person does. "I don't like small talk," gives the reader a certain impression about your intelligence, or arrogance. Why attract people who won't get along with you?

You can use statements about what you like to do to say a lot about yourself. For example: "My favorite thing to do at bars is walk up to complete strangers and ask them what they think about the price of milk." I'm totally making this up, but if it were a real profile statement, it says a number of things. It indicates that I go to bars, and I probably drink. I can walk up to strangers and talk to them; I have confidence. Asking them about the price of milk, as silly as it is, shows that I like to have fun. Since it's my favorite thing to do at bars, it tells you that I like using pickup lines and that I might not be very creative. It's a dorky statement, but I think you get my point.

Probably the most popular and easiest thing to do in profiles is to say what you like or what interests you. But mention at least several things or be more specific. If "travel" is listed as your only interest, you're not saying much, since a lot of people like travel. What kind of travel? Backpacking? Cruises? 747s? Hitchhiking? Luxury hotels? The more things you say you like, the more interesting you will be to the reader.

You don't want to say things like, "I will make you laugh." There's a chance you won't. But if you're funny and can show your personality in your profile, you might make the reader laugh. "People say I'm funny," will make the reader wonder, "What kind of people think you're funny?" Rather, make fun of yourself. "I put my foot in my mouth at the worst times."

Here are some questions to help you come up with ways to make your profile show who you are:

What gets you excited?

What is fun to you?

What do you enjoy most for leisure (besides sex, guys)?

What are your 3 best and 3 worst qualities?

How would you describe your personal style?

How do your friends see you?

What song, type of music, or band moves you most?

What makes you laugh, or cry?

The more specific you get in your profile, the clearer a picture you give about who you are, and the more approachable you will be. But be aware that saying too much might turn people away. I try to keep my descriptors down to no more than 12 qualities and sentences. That way, I provide a brief introduction while giving enough information for the reader to see me. I always write the most important things I want people to know about me, and I give a peek of my worst.

If you still have trouble coming up with an attractive profile, Evan Marc Katz has a service at e-cyrano.com where you can get your online profile a professional makeover. It's a good way to get more people to respond to your profile if you're willing to pay a fee.

In another blog, I'll talk a bit about what you can tell about someone's personality based on how they write their profiles and how you can make your personality shine.

Personality Discovery

2009-02-20T16:22:00.000-05:00

One of the cool things I get to do as a wing girl is figure out people's personalities based on the MBTI (Myers-Briggs Type Indicator), an assessment tool stemming from Katharine Briggs' and Isabel Briggs Myers' studies on Carl Jung's psychological types. The Myers-Briggs Foundation endorses an online test at MBTIcomplete.com where you pay $59.95 for an assessment. It's a pretty good test except for one thing: it assumes that all extroverts talk a lot.

At the end of the test you can basically disagree with the test results. It said I was borderline introverted. So, I disagreed and said I was extroverted. And it was because the test had a lot of questions about being talkative!

Looking back, I realize one of the reasons why I don't talk so much for an extrovert is because when I was a kid, my entire family would tell me to be quiet all the time. I grew up in a household of introverts! Every single one of them, Mom, Dad, my two big brothers, but probably not my grandmother. Come to think of it, I wouldn't stop! I would just talk to myself, by myself. Well, eventually I stopped doing that.

By the time junior high school came around, I was a pretty quiet person, except for one thing: I was a huge flirt. In fact, I was voted most flirtateous in high school. And I liked picking fights with fat boys. When college came around, I bolted away from my small town upbringing and traveled 2 continents. It was the best release for my squashed down extroverted personality. Then I became a talker again. Except the talking was so full of debate that I would argue with people all the time.

I wasn't happy picking fights with people anymore, so I decided to become more Zen and learned to empty my head of extraneous thoughts. And I became quiet again. It's been about 15 years since learning that. Now, here I am talking through my fingers. It's more satisfying anyway, cause my energy isn't going towards defending an argument. Rather I get energy from writing in public places where I can observe people. I watch their movements, the way they talk to friends, work on their computers, listen to music, then I guess their personalities. Sometimes, I get into a conversation and ask them questions to see how close I was to figuring them out.

It's definitely a good exercise to study people and try to imagine how they live their lives. Then when I'm out with a guy as his wing, I impress people with my "psychic" ability. It's really not psychic at all. It's just understanding personality types.

Playing the Wing

2009-02-16T04:00:00.000-05:00

There's nothing like going out on a Saturday night with a bunch of friends. Especially if you're all single, you've got each other's backs whenever there's an opportunity to approach a hot guy or girl. But what does it take to be a good wing?

In a game of soccer, or field hockey, the wing is the player on the edge of the field playing offense. He often is the one doing the most running when his team has the ball. He makes himself available for a pass, sometimes immediately passing the ball back to get it down the field. Once his teammate has control of the ball, he often goes back to his position towards the edge of the field to make himself available as a wing-- ready for a pass, or to prevent the ball from going out of bounds.

In the game of dating, the wing plays a similar role. He is seemingly on the "edge of the field" looking out for possible passes. (Pun intended.) If he sees an opportunity he might "take control of the ball" and approach the target (a girl) to see if making a play is possible. Having a wing can make scoring easier.

Normally I don't like using terms like "game" and "score" when it comes to dating. The pickup process is a game in which getting a girl to kiss you or getting her phone number is a score. But the actual dating process, to me, is not really a game. Rather, dating is the way two people get to know each other in which there is intent. The intent might be to see how far the date will go, or it might be to see if the other person is a viable prospect for a long-term relationship. Either way, there are steps to this process beginning with the game itself: The pickup.

The pickup is where being a wing comes in. For me, since I'm a girl, playing wing for guys is easy. I can go up to another girl, talk about shoes or how pretty her dress is and where she got it etc. etc. then change the subject to find out something about her. At the appropriate moment, I might say, "Oh, my friend Mike is into that. Let me introduce you." And there goes the introduction.

Now, I've been approached before by a wing guy before. It went something like, "Hey, my buddy thinks you're hot. What do you think of him?" while he points with a head jerk towards some seemingly unassuming character. Automatically, my guard goes up. "Right," I think. I might smile cordially and say, "No, thanks." Or I might take a chance and have a usually boring conversation with the wing's buddy. Judging by the winging line, it's pretty easy for me to foresee how far a conversation will go.

A smart wing, however, should be pretty good at pickups himself. (Okay, so I'm not bad at picking up guys, though I AM a girl.) Anyone who can start a conversation with a stranger can get good at pickups. The key is keeping it natural. I usually say the first thing that pops into my head. (For guys, I know that can be difficult if the first thing is, "Wow, you're hot.") I try to be considerate and think about the person as a human being. She is a person. She has feelings. She gets happy, sad, angry, afraid, and embarrassed. Sometimes, a simple, "Hi. Are you having fun?" gets the talking going.

If you are a considerate person, you won't look at the girl your friend wants to meet and just think, "She's hot." You would consider whether or not the girl would be someone your buddy actually likes. Being considerate will help you come up with something purposeful or meaningful to say. The goal is to find out if the girl is worth pursuing. Of course if you're a wing man, there's a risk of liking the girl for yourself. In that case, take a shot to score. Hopefully your buddy won't be jealous. Or he can get himself a wing girl instead. ;)

Wing appointments

2009-02-14T16:04:00.000-05:00

Meeting new people can be challenging. Especially intimidating people. For me, it can be like a game, especially if the person I'm meeting is a celebrity. Many well-known people put up an automatic guard-- a reaction that says, "What do you want from me?" But really each situation is different. In a nightclub, that's a pretty typical reaction. But in a totally random situation, like an ice cream store, meeting someone is a piece of cake.

In an ice cream store, people have one thing on their minds: ice cream. So, any introduction could be a pleasant addendum to the event. Once my friend, Pam, challenged me to go up to Tim Robbins wearing roller blades in a Baskin Robbins. With a cone in his hand, he was a bit less intimating considering his 6 foot 5 inch height plus roller blades. Anyway, I gladly accepted the challenge, starting a little conversation by complimenting him on his work.

I've been known by good friends to have the moxie to start a conversation with just about anyone. Which is why I thought it would be fun to start a wing girl service. In the past, I've successfully helped guys meet women in random places (and not-so-random places). Again, they were challenges I gladly accepted. The harder the challenge, the more fun for me. It's pretty funny to get a rejection now and then. I just laugh it off.

To start, I put an ad in Craigslist saying "Wing Girl Available". The number of responses takes half a day to go through. About half of the guys don't really want a wing girl, so they get weeded out. With every ad put out in New York City, I end up going out with about 5 or 6 guys. The offer has been that the guy buy me a few drinks, maybe some food, and I wing for him. Obviously, given my outgoing nature, I don't need a wing. Hence the barter. I think I'm going to make it food instead of drinks though. A girl needs to eat!

All this started in October 2008. Now it's February. There are stories to tell. Unfortunately, none that are so outrageous to cause one to pee in his pants from laughter. That's something to look forward to. I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

Onward!

Body language clarified

2009-02-10T18:44:00.000-05:00

Previously, (just a few minutes ago) I wrote about the uncomfortable situation where a guy tried kissing a girl and her overt body language saying, "No." This is what resulted:

The guy gets up to go to the restroom. I put my laptop down and go over to the girl and ask her if she is okay, because I saw him try to kiss her and that she looked uncomfortable. She says, "I'm just shy." We talk a bit further. I tell her about my book, and she gives me her email address. Then she says "thank you" for my insight about her ordeal. The guy is an idiot, basically.

Get the Hint!

2009-02-10T18:12:00.000-05:00

I'm sitting in the lounge at the W Hotel on Union Square in New York City. It's Tuesday evening, just after 6pm and the Afterwork crowd has arrived. I got here a couple hours ago in order to work on my book, AlphaDog, Get the Bitch You Want. It's not the most comfortable place to sit and write. A curved veneered wall lines one side of the oblong room, allowing sound to bounce in all different directions. For a writer, it's not exactly the most beneficial, especially when you can hear one side of a conversation and not the other.

Shortly after settling on a comfy couch, my laptop open and ready to work, a couple sits down on the same couch. Obviously it distracted me from working on the book, since now I'm writing this blog entry.

I tried not to pay attention to what they were talking about, but I could hear everything they were saying to each other. They apparently just started dating. He was North American, she, Brazilian. He told her why he liked her as opposed to other women he'd dated: The boring conversations; Nothing in common. Blah, blah, blah. I had to get away.

A guy, who was sitting on a banquette where an electrical outlet is located, left his spot, so I grabbed the opportunity to get further away from the manipulative talker. It was then, after settling down in my new spot, that I watched a most uncomfortable and quite disturbing incident.

The guy had his hand on the small of her back. She had been sitting comfortably with her back all the way against the back of the couch... until he went in to kiss her. That's when the incident caught my eye. She leaned away. By this point, his arm, the one with the hand on her back, was wrapped further around her. So, she couldn't lean very far away. Instead she shifted her whole body placing her butt on the edge of the couch, turning her knees towards him to create a barrier between them. And the guy kept leaning in, trying to kiss her.

"Is this guy that clueless? Can't he read her body language?" I thought. The poor girl looked over at me. I didn't know what to do. I just raised my eyebrows at the guy. I wondered if I should intercede, find out if everything was "okay". Before I could make a decision, she got up and went to the restroom.

What could she have thought? What was she going to do? She came back, sat back down and started talking to the guy. I couldn't hear what they were saying at this point. The music had been raised, and I was further away. Apparently, she reconciled with him, leaned in to kiss him on the cheek. Then they started making out. I don't get it.

Introduction

2008-08-11T10:41:00.000-04:00

Hi,
I'm Wing Girl Kim. I go out with guys as their wing girl for one of two reasons: to accompany them as a date with an intent to entertain; or to help them meet new people.

It's kind of like being an escort, except my purpose is pure and simple: to enhance the social dynamic wherever my winging is needed.

It's not about sex and not about me.

Ultimately, I would like to see my boys hook up with great girls and build quality long-lasting relationships. I don't know anyone who doesn't want to be in a long-term romantic relationship. (Well, actually I know one person...) Companionship is a beautiful thing and there's no reason why anyone should not have it. That is why I'm writing the book, AlphaDog, Get the Bitch You Want.

A serious question by a lot of people is, "How do you find the right person to be with?" Being an AlphaDog is all about being a leader. It sounds simple, but leadership is no joke. Responsibility is involved. But I make leadership fun. Kind of like playing Follow the Leader when we were six years old.

Why am I doing this? Because I love the boys. I grew up with boys in the house. And I was a tomboy. Dolls? Ick. Some people ask me, "What about you? Don't you want to settle with someone?" Thanks. Sure. But I'm in no rush. Right now I'm having a great time hanging out with the boys and searching for the right bitches for them.

That's it for now. Hope you like my book!

<3 Wing Girl Kim